May 29, 2010
monday 31st may 2010
meeting for worship to give thanks for grace of ” ” in the life of sandy parker
shirley house 31 psalter lane nether edge sheffield s11 8yl uk.
cremation 3pm tuesday 1st june 2010
“what does ” ” require of you but to walk humbly seek mercy and do justice”
May 26, 2010
12 february 2010
“just let my blog go to sleep with me”
10.15am wednesday 10th march 2010
(r- final blog entry?)
“i love you all”
May 21, 2010
while una is with sandy i returned to cousin ruths. john and i took tea outside and i walked bare footed on the grass – first time for 11 weeks!! i drank the fresh air and sights and sounds of the garden – and i wanted sandy to be here, to be where we can have our own rhythm .
what would sandy want? simplicity, calm, peacefulness, silence, support for me. i am frustrated by my floundering and uncertainty, my inability to be decisive – my fear? unwilllingness? to take up the responsibilty of the role with which he entrusted me.
even if i said yes today it could take 2 weeks to organise. we may not have that amount of time. help me to think more of him and his journey than mmy own frustrations. his destiny is his alone.
May 21, 2010
sandy awake 5amish. i hopped into his bed and cuddled. his voice sounds getting deeper and urgent – is he ok? have i done wrong in seeking caution with medication? has he been in pain?? who knows? staff who turned him thought he was ok, perhaps he is just letting us know he is there. i wonder if it is the brain stuck and being repetitive – guess the question is does it disturb sandy? (a question i have failed to ask)
reread to sandy some of the messages
in the cards around the walls. low sounds – pain or appreciation?? given extra morphine prior to washing
later – (r) stood by bed, sandy i brought you an iceblock, i’ll put the head of the bed up.- and he opened his mouth straightaway!!…(r) oh b.. i spilt it down your beard your head wasn’t straight – next mouhtful he put his head straight!
6pm deep la las and very high las then coughing dozing, laing, coughing
8pm (c regular assistant) sandy “yes” (c ) sandy “yes” – his only two words today
gruff la las tight right arm curled fingers
10.20pm extra morphine given – la las gentler, 10.45pm silence then snoring.. 11.30pm woke with urgent loud la las..
bad dream?? pain?? fear??(r) sandy, sandy – sandy opened his eyes……dropped off continued asleep awake 2am midazolom
6amish – both awake, sandy’s eyes open and it seemed he was looking into mine..
8.30am extra midazalom given prior to wash ..slept all day 10am meeting with nether edge quakers – outside yeah !!
ymug visitor, cousin joanna , una tonight no words. no food. no fluid.
May 20, 2010
sandy is “less well” as the staff here say..
over the weekend his gentle “la la’s” have become more strident and stronger. for 3 or 4 nights it has been 4or 5am before he slept. then slept all day -one time for 20 hours! he has received various “extra” doses of medication..staff expressing concern for his arm muscle tightness, his rigid grip.
una stayed friday, margaret saturday night – i slept until 9am! yesterday we had 2 yeses and 1 no from sandy all day… over the weekend his gentle “la la’s” have become more strident and stronger. his light cough has grown thicker, his voice deeper. no longer “la la’s ” so much as “urrs”.
i continue to decorate his room with the cards and messages you send . an assistant chaplin (i have met but have no relationship with) entered our room without knocking nor invitation this morning told me what an interesting room it was to visit! she gave her opinon on art work lying on the bed before moving over to sandy and commenting to me something like “he’s poorly now” …….how not to be a chaplin!
May 20, 2010
for several weeks i have kept the special reclining wheelchair for sandy parked in the bathroom. a symbol of hope, of the possibility of at least taking sandy out into the garden. after a while i was aware it would be highly unlikely that sandy would use it again but i was not ready to part with it and asked the cleaning staff to please leave it there.
on friday i heard voices and saw a physio examining the chair – another patient had need of this special wheelchair…i asked that i could please wheel it out of the ward. it seemed an important thing for me to do, to acknowledge sandy would not be getting out of bed again.
so with tears down my face and aching in my heart i pushed the chair down the corridor before handing it to the physio for its continuing recycling to others.