gathering

gathering

monday 31st may 2010
12.30 onwards
viewing/coffin decorating/soup

1.30???? 2.00?????
meeting for worship to give thanks for grace of ” ” in the life of sandy parker

shirley house 31 psalter lane nether edge sheffield s11 8yl uk.

cremation 3pm tuesday 1st june 2010
hutcliff wood

“what does ” ” require of you but to walk humbly seek mercy and do justice”

from sandy

12 february 2010
“just let my blog go to sleep with me”

10.15am wednesday 10th march 2010
(r- final blog entry?)

“i love you all”

the phoenix 23 may 2010

the phoenix has flown

5.15pm sunday

23 may 2010

walking in the grass 21 may 2010

while una is with sandy i returned to cousin ruths. john and i took tea outside and i walked bare footed on the grass – first time for 11 weeks!! i drank the fresh air and sights and sounds of the garden – and i wanted sandy to be here, to be where we can have our own rhythm .

what would sandy want? simplicity, calm, peacefulness, silence, support for me. i am frustrated by my floundering and uncertainty, my inability to be decisive – my fear? unwilllingness? to take up the responsibilty of the role with which he entrusted me.

even if i said yes today it could take 2 weeks to organise. we may not have that amount of time. help me to think more of him and his journey than mmy own frustrations. his destiny is his alone.

rae reports 21 may 2010

thursday
sandy awake 5amish. i hopped into his bed and cuddled. his voice sounds getting deeper and urgent – is he ok? have i done wrong in seeking caution with medication? has he been in pain?? who knows? staff who turned him thought he was ok, perhaps he is just letting us know he is there. i wonder if it is the brain stuck and being repetitive – guess the question is does it disturb sandy? (a question i have failed to ask)

reread to sandy some of the messages
in the cards around the walls. low sounds – pain or appreciation?? given extra morphine prior to washing

later – (r) stood by bed, sandy i brought you an iceblock, i’ll put the head of the bed up.- and he opened his mouth straightaway!!…(r) oh b.. i spilt it down your beard your head wasn’t straight – next mouhtful he put his head straight!

6pm deep la las and very high las then coughing dozing, laing, coughing
8pm (c regular assistant) sandy “yes” (c ) sandy “yes” – his only two words today
gruff la las tight right arm curled fingers
10.20pm extra morphine given – la las gentler, 10.45pm silence then snoring.. 11.30pm woke with urgent loud la las..
bad dream?? pain?? fear??(r) sandy, sandy – sandy opened his eyes……dropped off continued asleep awake 2am midazolom

friday
6amish – both awake, sandy’s eyes open and it seemed he was looking into mine..
8.30am extra midazalom given prior to wash ..slept all day 10am meeting with nether edge quakers – outside yeah !!
ymug visitor, cousin joanna , una tonight no words. no food. no fluid.

thursday 20th may 2010

sandy is “less well” as the staff here say..
over the weekend his gentle “la la’s” have become more strident and stronger. for 3 or 4 nights it has been 4or 5am before he slept. then slept all day -one time for 20 hours! he has received various “extra” doses of medication..staff expressing concern for his arm muscle tightness, his rigid grip.

una stayed friday, margaret saturday night – i slept until 9am! yesterday we had 2 yeses and 1 no from sandy all day… over the weekend his gentle “la la’s” have become more strident and stronger. his light cough has grown thicker, his voice deeper. no longer “la la’s ” so much as “urrs”.

i continue to decorate his room with the cards and messages you send . an assistant chaplin (i have met but have no relationship with) entered our room without knocking nor invitation this morning told me what an interesting room it was to visit! she gave her opinon on art work lying on the bed before moving over to sandy and commenting to me something like “he’s poorly now” …….how not to be a chaplin!

lost hope 14th may 2010

for several weeks i have kept the special reclining wheelchair for sandy parked in the bathroom. a symbol of hope, of the possibility of at least taking sandy out into the garden. after a while i was aware it would be highly unlikely that sandy would use it again but i was not ready to part with it and asked the cleaning staff to please leave it there.

on friday i heard voices and saw a physio examining the chair – another patient had need of this special wheelchair…i asked that i could please wheel it out of the ward. it seemed an important thing for me to do, to acknowledge sandy would not be getting out of bed again.

so with tears down my face and aching in my heart i pushed the chair down the corridor before handing it to the physio for its continuing recycling to others.

pain or grief ? 15th may 2010

i suspect sandy gets quite frustrated with the endless questions- (are you in pain? can i give you this injection? are you uncomfortable? is that ok?..) perhaps i am mad but I believe him to be a lot more present than people seem to think, perhaps this is just my wishfull thinking?

took myself up the ringinglow road to the peak district – a 5 mnute drive – and wandered around to a rocky shelf and cried and sobbed and noted my various expressions sandy sandy sandy, hold me hold me hold me, so sorry so sorry etc i became aware that i would start slowly and then build up and get quite loud and thought how similair it was if i replaced them with la la to how sandy sometimes vocalises himself and that the crecsendo might not be pain but grief…..is this possible or my wanting it to be so??

I only wish sandy got to hear everyones voices and receive the encouragement
and love and sense of connection that i receive . how hard it must be to be alone on his path…

Sent from my iPod

saturday 15th may 2010

what to say?
extra morphine and midazolm given in any 24 hour period then added to the next mixin the in situ syringe driver that gives constant background 24 hour delivery. so now on 20mg morphine and 15mg midazolon.

i struggle with how to communicat with sandy. a nurse hearing loud sound vocalisation asks “are you in pain”- sandy is silent for a few moments then starts his gentle “la la la”……

it is perhaps too hard a question , perhaps he cannot tell? does loud sound mean pain? does it need to be silenced? could it not be deep frustration or grief?

i grieve deeply that i fail to translate sandy for others. that i begin to question my sense of connection with him now – wondering if it is only my projection or wistful wanting…..

una stayed with him last night . i struggle with allowing/inviting others to be responsible for him….yet i know that una or margaret or the nurses will each be their doing the best for sandy.

when we looked at advance care directives and living wills sandys response was that we could not know all possible scenerios in advance and that decision swould need to be made contexturally as they arose……..

my continued deep thanks for your presence and upholding. deep gratitude to those who struggle with me and offer information, frameworks and tools for conceptual and contexturalization.

bluebells wednesday 12 may 2010

woke this morning to an anguished cry
“he’s gone… he’s gone”
may we live while we have breathe

sandy slept 2am-10.30ish.
physiotherapist then reiki people visited. lunch:soup, cod in cheese sauce, fruit
una, margaret and peter visitng for tea.

rae thinks she saw a flurry of snow early morning. had her hair washed. walked in “ancient wood”-bluebells and red robins.

go deep. deeper than deep.
enter the silence before words